Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
