Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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