Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
