you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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