i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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