One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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