I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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