remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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