I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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