You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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