remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
