it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my being single is dangerous.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
