dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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