my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
