if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
only you would photoshop your dick
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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