I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
