My liver just broke up with me...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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