I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
