someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
