i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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