Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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