I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
