You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
