What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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