I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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