dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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