By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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