i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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