it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
