bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
