she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
