im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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