"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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