I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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