i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
