Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Boobs are out for the taking
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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