Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
