I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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