Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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