You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
