I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
