I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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