I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
