I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
