just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
