Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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