meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
