its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
