through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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