So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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