I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
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I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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