I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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