The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
